Florida is More Than Palm Trees and Sunshine

...it's also the land of white trash, gators and massive snakes.  You didn't see that in the brochures, did you?

This thought occurred to me the last few days as I finished up coordinating my trip to Boca next month.  People don't like to talk about the fact that Florida is the white-trashiest state in the country.  "Mommy, why is that man walking in his underwear and a Bud Light tank top and strolling his baby on the side of the highway at 2:00 a.m.?"  Because he's pure Floridian white trash dear child.

And when I mention Gators - I am more intrigued by the state's obsession with that horrible animal than the actual animal itself.  Make no mistake about it...everything is named Gator in Florida.  What creativity!  Gator landscapers. Gator Accountants.  Gator Florists.  Gator Retirement Home.  What fun too!  I mean, a flesh-eating predator with absolutely no intelligence or restraint is within chomping distance of your front door! Let's honor it by naming everything after it.

But Florida upped the ante.  Its residents decided to pick up where nature left off and imported another wonderful animal - the fucking Burmese Python - as pets.  Nothing like an ugly, no fun, can'd-do-anything-but-kill-you snake in a cage to liven any household.  And it's almost as dumb as the imbecile who decided a 2-month old baby needs a stroll in 94 degree weather in the middle of the night mere inches from 80 mph drunk traffic.  

You know what happens to a baby Burmese Python?  It eventually gets big and huge and even the drunkest, white-trashiest, most brain-dead resident of Gator Trailer Park gets scared of it and dumps it in the Everglades, where Mother Nature was already kind enough to drop off the celebrated Gator.  Now those two predators are duking it out in the fetid swamps of southern Florida.  I can assure you the concierge at the Ritz Carlton won't let you in on this exclusively Floridian attraction

A few years ago, a picture not sent by any resort or tourism board was forwarded to me of a Python that literally burst in half as it tried to unhinge itself enough to digest an entire alligator.  It's difficult to figure out which one is dumber...the alligator that couldn't figure out that simply taking a bite of any part of that 25 foot python would win him the fight (and save his life) or the Python that decided to attempt to ingest an ENTIRE ALLIGATOR. 

Perhaps the dumbest of all are the Sunshine State residents who PURCHASE and feed and nurture a fearless killer like the Burmese Python and/or celebrate alligators by naming everything they do after them. 

That said, Boca Raton is helpfully free of gators, pythons and white trash.  Looking forward to my trip there next month.