Friday, April 29, 2011
Royal (Pain in the Ass) Wedding
So a girl nobody ever heard of is marrying the heir to a do-nothing throne who has never accomplished anything in his life but be born into "royalty" - whatever that means. Hold me back from fawning all over this.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Florida is More Than Palm Trees and Sunshine
...it's also the land of white trash, gators and massive snakes. You didn't see that in the brochures, did you?
This thought occurred to me the last few days as I finished up coordinating my trip to Boca next month. People don't like to talk about the fact that Florida is the white-trashiest state in the country. "Mommy, why is that man walking in his underwear and a Bud Light tank top and strolling his baby on the side of the highway at 2:00 a.m.?" Because he's pure Floridian white trash dear child.
And when I mention Gators - I am more intrigued by the state's obsession with that horrible animal than the actual animal itself. Make no mistake about it...everything is named Gator in Florida. What creativity! Gator landscapers. Gator Accountants. Gator Florists. Gator Retirement Home. What fun too! I mean, a flesh-eating predator with absolutely no intelligence or restraint is within chomping distance of your front door! Let's honor it by naming everything after it.
But Florida upped the ante. Its residents decided to pick up where nature left off and imported another wonderful animal - the fucking Burmese Python - as pets. Nothing like an ugly, no fun, can'd-do-anything-but-kill-you snake in a cage to liven any household. And it's almost as dumb as the imbecile who decided a 2-month old baby needs a stroll in 94 degree weather in the middle of the night mere inches from 80 mph drunk traffic.
You know what happens to a baby Burmese Python? It eventually gets big and huge and even the drunkest, white-trashiest, most brain-dead resident of Gator Trailer Park gets scared of it and dumps it in the Everglades, where Mother Nature was already kind enough to drop off the celebrated Gator. Now those two predators are duking it out in the fetid swamps of southern Florida. I can assure you the concierge at the Ritz Carlton won't let you in on this exclusively Floridian attraction
A few years ago, a picture not sent by any resort or tourism board was forwarded to me of a Python that literally burst in half as it tried to unhinge itself enough to digest an entire alligator. It's difficult to figure out which one is dumber...the alligator that couldn't figure out that simply taking a bite of any part of that 25 foot python would win him the fight (and save his life) or the Python that decided to attempt to ingest an ENTIRE ALLIGATOR.
Perhaps the dumbest of all are the Sunshine State residents who PURCHASE and feed and nurture a fearless killer like the Burmese Python and/or celebrate alligators by naming everything they do after them.
That said, Boca Raton is helpfully free of gators, pythons and white trash. Looking forward to my trip there next month.
This thought occurred to me the last few days as I finished up coordinating my trip to Boca next month. People don't like to talk about the fact that Florida is the white-trashiest state in the country. "Mommy, why is that man walking in his underwear and a Bud Light tank top and strolling his baby on the side of the highway at 2:00 a.m.?" Because he's pure Floridian white trash dear child.
And when I mention Gators - I am more intrigued by the state's obsession with that horrible animal than the actual animal itself. Make no mistake about it...everything is named Gator in Florida. What creativity! Gator landscapers. Gator Accountants. Gator Florists. Gator Retirement Home. What fun too! I mean, a flesh-eating predator with absolutely no intelligence or restraint is within chomping distance of your front door! Let's honor it by naming everything after it.
But Florida upped the ante. Its residents decided to pick up where nature left off and imported another wonderful animal - the fucking Burmese Python - as pets. Nothing like an ugly, no fun, can'd-do-anything-but-kill-you snake in a cage to liven any household. And it's almost as dumb as the imbecile who decided a 2-month old baby needs a stroll in 94 degree weather in the middle of the night mere inches from 80 mph drunk traffic.
You know what happens to a baby Burmese Python? It eventually gets big and huge and even the drunkest, white-trashiest, most brain-dead resident of Gator Trailer Park gets scared of it and dumps it in the Everglades, where Mother Nature was already kind enough to drop off the celebrated Gator. Now those two predators are duking it out in the fetid swamps of southern Florida. I can assure you the concierge at the Ritz Carlton won't let you in on this exclusively Floridian attraction
A few years ago, a picture not sent by any resort or tourism board was forwarded to me of a Python that literally burst in half as it tried to unhinge itself enough to digest an entire alligator. It's difficult to figure out which one is dumber...the alligator that couldn't figure out that simply taking a bite of any part of that 25 foot python would win him the fight (and save his life) or the Python that decided to attempt to ingest an ENTIRE ALLIGATOR.
Perhaps the dumbest of all are the Sunshine State residents who PURCHASE and feed and nurture a fearless killer like the Burmese Python and/or celebrate alligators by naming everything they do after them.
That said, Boca Raton is helpfully free of gators, pythons and white trash. Looking forward to my trip there next month.
Brandon Davis Actually is Of Absolutely No Consequence
This guy literally comes up with new ways to be an absolute piece of garbage.
http://wonderwall.msn.com/tv/socialite-brandon-davis-busted-after-hollywood-altercation-1616263.story
http://wonderwall.msn.com/tv/socialite-brandon-davis-busted-after-hollywood-altercation-1616263.story
Darling of the British Left Praises Assad
George Galloway, darling of the British Left, never disappoints. There's not a murderous piece of shit he won't praise. Not a violent thug he won't position as a freedom fighter. Not when there's Israel, the US and Britain to blame.
Here is not so long ago praising Assad, that wonderful democratic leader of Syria, that bastion of freedom and democracy. I wonder how Galloway explains away what's going on now in Syria (I am betting it's all Israel's fault somehow):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3orFvKvTS3Y
Here is not so long ago praising Assad, that wonderful democratic leader of Syria, that bastion of freedom and democracy. I wonder how Galloway explains away what's going on now in Syria (I am betting it's all Israel's fault somehow):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3orFvKvTS3Y
Counter-Birther Delay
I frankly think this birther nonsense is just that...nonsense. But, depsite the shit I'll get for saying anything else about the topic, why on Earth did it take Obama so long to produce the damn thing? I agree with him that this is silly and there are more important things to do...but that only doubles up my earlier question...why did he wait all this time to just show the thing already?
Neither Thrifty Nor Swift: Theresa Giudice is A Moron
Saw an ad for the new season of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Can't wait, obviously.
I am reminded of Theresa Giudice's appearance on The View, when she, while in the middle of a discussion about her $11 million of debt, had the sheer balls to say, "I never spend beyond my means."
Come now.
I am reminded of Theresa Giudice's appearance on The View, when she, while in the middle of a discussion about her $11 million of debt, had the sheer balls to say, "I never spend beyond my means."
Come now.
The Trump Dump
Boobs, brass, brazen displays of arrogance and materialism....Trump is going to run for President! Great! Hey...there must be an Internet Entrepreneur who stumbled across an idea of creating an online forum for used washer/dryer parts and made $200 million...maybe he can be Secretary of State! And all of us know a trust fund baby or two...they can run for VP! This is fun.
Check your wallets ladies and gentlemen...because apparently the size of it will determine your efficacy as a serious candidate for an immensely important and powerful position in government!
For the record, Trump is NOT a rags-to-riches story. His father was an immensely wealthy real estate mogul. But Trump sells himself as somebody who had the guts and intelligence to make his mark in the world. Plenty of his ventures were complete and total failures...but he had family money to fall back on and leverage to keep throwing spit balls on the blackboard until something turned a profit.
Chris Rock recently stated, "I won't vote for him. He'll leave us for a younger, prettier country." The fact that even makes sense should tell you all you need to know about President Trump.
Wait 'till he gets his hands on the White House and begins redecorating.
Check your wallets ladies and gentlemen...because apparently the size of it will determine your efficacy as a serious candidate for an immensely important and powerful position in government!
For the record, Trump is NOT a rags-to-riches story. His father was an immensely wealthy real estate mogul. But Trump sells himself as somebody who had the guts and intelligence to make his mark in the world. Plenty of his ventures were complete and total failures...but he had family money to fall back on and leverage to keep throwing spit balls on the blackboard until something turned a profit.
Chris Rock recently stated, "I won't vote for him. He'll leave us for a younger, prettier country." The fact that even makes sense should tell you all you need to know about President Trump.
Wait 'till he gets his hands on the White House and begins redecorating.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Here Goes Nothing
This is all your fault. You listened to my rantings on Facebook. You responded to them. You "liked" them. You suggested I start a blog. It's out of my control.
But, now that I'm here, I might as well embrace it. Topics to be covered: Reality TV (obvi). Politics here and there - including my often unpopular positions on current events/news. Life observations. Whatever floats my boat...I hope it floats yours too.
So let's jump right in and get into the Ina Garten ("Barefoot Contessa") mess that recently unfolded. The truth, it's most likely not her fault that a young boy was denied his wish to cook with her. It probably was never even made aware to her...a publicist probablye exhibited extremely poor judgment and she beared the brunt. Not fair. However, there are other reasons to not like Barefoot Contessa (heretofore, Barefoot Contessa will be used to reference her persona on the show, Ina Garten will be used to reference the real person in real life). Here they are in no particular order:
1) "Just make it casual". Ina says this nonstop - but she needs to check a dictionary. Nowhere does it say that cooking all day and night, putting together flowers and table-settings, serving hors d'eourves, etc...is "casual." She doesn't understand the word.
2) She blows smoke up her own ass. "Isn't this delicious!" Well, you made it!
3) She has the most forced laugh of all time. "Dan loves olives!! hahahaha!!!! It's hysterical!! I am trying to make everything seem more funny and interesting than it is so you can admire my life!"
4) "Don't have any fun until I get back." She seems to think this is just brilliantly funny, since she says it EVERY SINGLE TIME she has someone ever. Which goes back to number one. If it's such a "casual" meal, why does she have to go back to the kitchen every three minutes to roast, saute, carve or plate something?
5) She once said this, and I'm not kidding: "When you have people over, put some chocolates on the bed. It's really important." Not, "it's really nice" or "cute" but it's important. Important how? Let's say for instance you''re not a Hamptons housewife with endless time and money to gallavant around town all day picking up important chocolates for your guests. Let's go back to number one: casual. How casual a life is it when you are down to having to get expensive chocolates to put on the bed in your guest room? Is there turn-down service too?
6) Her camera man seems to always make sure he gets a view out of her car from the passenger seat that shows the Mercedes symbol at the end of the hood. We get it...sista has some serious cash. The mansion in the Hamptons tipped us off - and the fact that the olive oil she uses with reckless abandon is over $20 a bottle. Stop shoving her money in our faces.
7) You know who I like? Jeffrey. You know what i don't like? Ina's greasy hands all over him the minute he walks into a room and her complete and total invasion of his personal space. Wonder why he's not around more than two days a week? I don't.
8) My friend is stopping by to use the bathroom! It's a "Party!"...let me make one of my infamous, CASUAL, three-course lunches!
9) Paula Deen gets all the heat for cooking with a lot of fat, but Ina might actually be worse. I watched her make pecan bars with, are you ready for this, NINE sticks of butter in it - 5 for the filling, 4 for the shortbread crust. She tries to sidestep this by saying things like, "It makes a lot of pecan bars." Bullshit. NO amount of mercedes cars and fancy Hamptons houses can hide the fact that you're running a grease pit.
10) Whenever she is serving food, she starts talking in this hushed, high-pitched tone and her voice runs out. "Steve, would you like some roasted brussel sprouts?" ...and her voice sort of pitches upward at the end. It's annoying. If she wasn't so concerned with setting a scene, she wouldn't talk like that. But there's nothing genuine in the world of Barefoot Contessa.. It's all fake parties, fake friends, fake "casual", etc.
Don't have any fun till she gets back indeed.
But, now that I'm here, I might as well embrace it. Topics to be covered: Reality TV (obvi). Politics here and there - including my often unpopular positions on current events/news. Life observations. Whatever floats my boat...I hope it floats yours too.
So let's jump right in and get into the Ina Garten ("Barefoot Contessa") mess that recently unfolded. The truth, it's most likely not her fault that a young boy was denied his wish to cook with her. It probably was never even made aware to her...a publicist probablye exhibited extremely poor judgment and she beared the brunt. Not fair. However, there are other reasons to not like Barefoot Contessa (heretofore, Barefoot Contessa will be used to reference her persona on the show, Ina Garten will be used to reference the real person in real life). Here they are in no particular order:
1) "Just make it casual". Ina says this nonstop - but she needs to check a dictionary. Nowhere does it say that cooking all day and night, putting together flowers and table-settings, serving hors d'eourves, etc...is "casual." She doesn't understand the word.
2) She blows smoke up her own ass. "Isn't this delicious!" Well, you made it!
3) She has the most forced laugh of all time. "Dan loves olives!! hahahaha!!!! It's hysterical!! I am trying to make everything seem more funny and interesting than it is so you can admire my life!"
4) "Don't have any fun until I get back." She seems to think this is just brilliantly funny, since she says it EVERY SINGLE TIME she has someone ever. Which goes back to number one. If it's such a "casual" meal, why does she have to go back to the kitchen every three minutes to roast, saute, carve or plate something?
5) She once said this, and I'm not kidding: "When you have people over, put some chocolates on the bed. It's really important." Not, "it's really nice" or "cute" but it's important. Important how? Let's say for instance you''re not a Hamptons housewife with endless time and money to gallavant around town all day picking up important chocolates for your guests. Let's go back to number one: casual. How casual a life is it when you are down to having to get expensive chocolates to put on the bed in your guest room? Is there turn-down service too?
6) Her camera man seems to always make sure he gets a view out of her car from the passenger seat that shows the Mercedes symbol at the end of the hood. We get it...sista has some serious cash. The mansion in the Hamptons tipped us off - and the fact that the olive oil she uses with reckless abandon is over $20 a bottle. Stop shoving her money in our faces.
7) You know who I like? Jeffrey. You know what i don't like? Ina's greasy hands all over him the minute he walks into a room and her complete and total invasion of his personal space. Wonder why he's not around more than two days a week? I don't.
8) My friend is stopping by to use the bathroom! It's a "Party!"...let me make one of my infamous, CASUAL, three-course lunches!
9) Paula Deen gets all the heat for cooking with a lot of fat, but Ina might actually be worse. I watched her make pecan bars with, are you ready for this, NINE sticks of butter in it - 5 for the filling, 4 for the shortbread crust. She tries to sidestep this by saying things like, "It makes a lot of pecan bars." Bullshit. NO amount of mercedes cars and fancy Hamptons houses can hide the fact that you're running a grease pit.
10) Whenever she is serving food, she starts talking in this hushed, high-pitched tone and her voice runs out. "Steve, would you like some roasted brussel sprouts?" ...and her voice sort of pitches upward at the end. It's annoying. If she wasn't so concerned with setting a scene, she wouldn't talk like that. But there's nothing genuine in the world of Barefoot Contessa.. It's all fake parties, fake friends, fake "casual", etc.
Don't have any fun till she gets back indeed.
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