Is it a Bird? A Plane? No, it’s a door. And I Just Walked Into It.

Let me set the scene.  It’s a 93-degree day in Fire Island.  I am having a great time…annoying the crap out of everyone in the house by blabbing uncontrollably about anything I can think of.  I go in the house to get a cocktail…I am walking. I am a few steps away from the bar…and BAM!  I am entangled in the screen door…unable for a few moments to get out of it.  I can hear the laughter behind me.  I can see the drink I came for in front of me.  And for the FOURTH time in my life, I walked into a door.  Here are the other three:

Time number 1:  Camp Cedar Lake, Milford, PA.  Age:  12

Oh sleepaway camp.  Where Jewish parents store their children for Summer.  I can still see the gleeful looks on my parents faces as they dropped me off...knowing they had 8, blissful, Scott-free weeks ahead of them.  It’s also a place of wooden bunks with doors that cannot be missed.  Unless you’re laughing with your bunkmates so hard that tears obstruct your view and the door to Bunk Joseph 32 that is normally open is completely shut and you walk directly into it.  Now everyone BUT you is laughing and by dinner the entire division knows the story and all the British counselors are making fun of you and you swear you’ll never be so dumb again but then comes…

Time number 2:  My Friend’s Father’s Girlfriend’s House, Tampa, FL.  Age: 21

Wash U Senior Year Spring Break.  We all went on a cruise (see earlier post on cruises) that left out of Tampa so my friend’s father’s girlfriend (don’t ask) who lived there had us over the night before we boarded the ship.  She had a nice house that had a small sunroom leading to the backyard pool.  As anyone knows, I love pools, especially on a hot day . And this day was HOT! And Sunny!  So hot that I walked quickly to the pool!  So sunny, I didn’t see the glass door that led to the sunroom. SMACK!  I literally fell backward like out of a cartoon.  For the first 10-15 seconds, I didn’t even know what happened.    For the rest of the vacation and semester and even to this day, that is the single moment most of my close college friends remember most about me.   

Time number 3:  Garlic Bob’s, New York:  Age 24

This may have been the most embarrassing one yet.  I don’t believe it’s there anymore, but there used to be a pizza place on the UES called Garlic Bob’s that was really good.  I went to get a slice and bring it home on an unusually sunny day.  I’m not going to get all poetic and set this one up…because it was quick and horrible.   I walked right into a glass WALL.  Okay?  Not even the door.  The sun had so screwed me up I wasn’t even at the door.  Everyone was gawking at me.  I had smashed into the pizza I was holding so it looked like I was bleeding from my chest.  Inside, panic developed.  “GET OUT NOW!!!” was the rallying cry from my internal monologue.  I didn’t turn around to tell everyone I was okay.  Or even to get a napkin to clean myself off.  I just frantically hunted for the door and shot out of there never, ever, ever to return again. 

There is something uniquely embarrassing about walking into a door.  Being the person I am, I can take a lot of humiliating experiences without batting an eye.  Some of my jokes/stories fall flat.  I can handle the awkward silence.  When a crazy person stops me on the street (crazy people LOVE me and actively seek me out) – I can handle being asked if I have a bologna sandwich on me.  When I was 8 years old, I thought a microphone was off at an auditorium and began singing embarrassing songs until I realized everyone there could hear me.  I took it in my stride…coming out a mere 20 years later.  But when you walk into a glass door…or wall…there’s just no recovering from that. 

You’re just a clumsy moron who just broke something.